Parents: How naming your emotions can help your kids succeed

Up until only a few decades ago, for as long as humans have existed, parenting has been guesswork. New parents would get information and guidance from their elders or peers based on anecdotal evidence. We are lucky enough to live in an exciting time where we have research to find evidence for what parenting strategies and qualities lead to the most successful outcomes for children. Of course, there is not one cookie cutter way for each child, and being flexible in learning what works best for your child is essential. Overall there are concepts in parenting that if applied have been shown through decades of research to lead to children growing up to have healthier relationships, more successful careers, emotional stability, and the ability to bounce back quickly from hard times; essentially a greater ability to thrive in their lives.

For example, researchers have found that even more than IQ, emotional awareness and the ability to process feelings determine success and happiness levels in all walks of life. As parents, you are in a position to help your children identify and understand their own and other people's emotions, which will ultimately lead them to success. However, if you don't know what you are feeling, or how to express it, then maybe your own emotional awareness is the starting point for growth for you and your family.

Let's try right now. Take a moment to think of the last time you were upset with someone. Go ahead, stop reading for a minute and think. Think back to what happened. Try to remember what you were feeling, let yourself feel that, and then try and recall where in your body you felt it.

What did it feel like? Maybe a tightness in your chest, or churning in your stomach, or tension in your head?

What name would you give the emotion?

Now stick with this and see if there is a deeper emotion. For example, usually underneath anger there is a hurt feeling. And under the hurt feeling there is a fear or loss. Can you identify these deeper more primary emotions? Can you name them?

Was this exercise hard or easy for you? Do you think you would be able to help your child to label and understand their emotions?

Now that we practiced some emotional awareness, let's practice an emotion regulation tool. Since we just brought up a negative past experience, let's do a skill to help regulate your emotional state. Pick up an object around you that is neutral. Now set a timer for 2 minutes. Focus all your attention on this object while practicing slowly breathing in your nose for 3 seconds and out your nose for 4 seconds. If you get distracted just refocus your attention on the object you are holding in your hands, paying attention to how it feels and what it looks like. Is it heavy, light? Smooth, or rough? Go ahead and do this now.

Good, feel any different? We just gave your brain something neutral to focus on while doing a relaxation technique. Did it change your emotional state?

For an even more powerful emotional shift, try listing 3 things you are grateful for, and for each one go into detail as to why you are grateful for this. Then put your hand on your heart and one by one spend about a minute thinking about each thing you are grateful for and why, and let that feeling fill your heart up. By practicing gratefulness you can change your brain chemistry by releasing dopamine and serotonin. The key is to feel gratitude, not just list what you are grateful for, that's why really going into the WHY you are grateful, and feeling that fill up your heart, is important. Try it out.

Learning about emotional competency is just one of many key parenting skills participants will learn in the Parent Leadership Workshop I am co-facilitating in May at A Balanced Life: Individual, Family and Child Therapy, Inc. This is a free workshop being provided over the course of four Fridays 9am-1pm May 10-31. This workshop will teach about the 5 Protective Factors that help build resiliency in your family. These include, but are not limited to: self-care, social and emotional competency, and knowledge of parenting and child development. This workshop will also assist in learning how to advocate for your child and family within the community. This is a fun interactive workshop with fourteen other parents like you who are looking to strengthen their skills and families. Bonus: breakfast, lunch, snacks, and incentives are provided, and best of all, it's FREE!

Call today to reserve your spot: (530) 544-1748.

Lindsay Simon is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Domestic Violence Facilitator. Ms. Simon has provided quality therapy for a diverse clientele for the past ten years including children, adolescents and adults for individual, couples, group, and family therapy. Ms. Simon became the Clinical Director and Supervisor of A Balanced Life in July of 2014. Ms. Simon’s clinical experience and specialties include assessment, diagnosis, and treatment of: postpartum depression, panic attacks, anxiety, adult ADHD, depression, phobias, bipolar, relationship problems, family conflict, grief and loss, social problems, life transition issues, work-life balance, teen issues, stress management, and OCD. Ms. Simon is a systemically focused therapist, meaning she understands the importance of relationships on your overall wellness and mental health, starting with the relationship you have with yourself. Ms. Simon implements a holistic and mindfulness-based approach with her compassion, knowledge, and expertise in the application of evidence-based practices such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)-informed treatment, and Solution Focused therapy to help her clients reach their short and long term goals.

A Balanced Life is located at 2100 Eloise Ave, South Lake Tahoe.