Column: As the Song Goes 'It Don’t Hurt'

(Editor's note: This is the next installment in a regular feature by South Lake Tahoe-based Certified Wellness Coach and Advanced Integrative Therapist Krista Kline. Visit her website at www.kristaekline.com.)

We all have regrets. Well, most of us anyway. Maybe (just maybe) there is someone out there that has walked on this planet and felt good about all of the choices they made from birth to death (but it is hard to imagine). And I’m quite aware that there are some that make loads of bad choices but don’t know how to take responsibility for them and instead blame others for why their life isn’t working. (This is an issue worthy of later discussion).

So I am willing to bet that for most of us, there's at least one thing, if not many things, that we can point to in our past and absolutely cringe when we think about them.

I have been reminded lately from more than a few clients and friends about the power of past regrets. And I am using the word “power” because of the immense energy that it consumes that can make it difficult to recover from. Regret has the power to weigh, beat and keep you down if you’re not careful.

It Don’t Hurt
Like it did
It hurts worse
Who do I kid?
— Sheryl Crow

I often hear clients ask themselves and me questions such as: How could I have done that? Was that me? Did I really think that? Say that? Create that? Miss out on that? Choose that person? Break up with that person? Did I do enough? Why didn’t I know better? Why did I react that way? How could I make the same mistake AGAIN… and AGAIN?! The most common regret statements I hear are usually: “I should have ..." or "I shouldn’t have ..." (you fill in the blank).

How much time do you think is spent on regret? How much energy do we use obsessing over the poor decisions and mistakes we’ve made? In my opinion it’s too much. WAY too much.

And for what? Is it possible to change the past? Is it possible to delete the less than honorable moments we’ve had or click the proverbial “undo” button on some of our unpleasant and sometimes detrimental life choices? Until time travel has been perfected, and you can return to the moment you had that one (or five) drink(s) too many, decided condoms were just too much trouble, lost your paycheck on the blackjack table or thought that a mullet and a bowtie was a good idea for your school picture, the obvious answer of course is a resounding NO.

I want you to imagine something. I want you to think for just a moment about the mental and emotional space you are taking up on a daily basis picking through the pieces of your past that you wish you could change…and then I want you to stop. "What," you say? Stop punishing and judging myself?

And to this I say, YES!

Why? Because regret is what I call an energy sucker. It’s a black hole in your life that you are feeding with wasted thoughts that could be better spent on changing the life you have NOW. That’s right. Some people spend days, weeks, months and even years of their precious life and time regretting the past. “I wish I would have ...” “If only I hadn’t ...” “Why did I ...?”

Now, I am not opposed to looking at the past in order to correct it, to heal from it, to learn from it. That’s not only part of my business but it’s an important process that I continue to put myself through because, believe it or not, I do not have a clean slate. I help people to understand and forgive themselves and/or others for the mistakes and traumas of the past so that we can move forward without carrying the two-ton luggage that seems to be trailing behind at every turn.

What would happen if you cut the “umbilical cord” that you have plugged into the baggage of the past. What if you found a way to forgive yourself for not being perfect? For making mistakes that are human? What do you think that would look like or feel like? Imagine that your energy was instead focused on how to change and alter your future path. The one that you are still walking on, albeit a little clumsily.

Yes, you’ve made mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. President Barack Obama has made mistakes. I’m quite certain that even the Dalai Lama, the Pope and Mother Theresa have made an “oops” out there somewhere. But if we stay stuck there we can become paralyzed in self-sabotaging behaviors, making it nearly impossible to move forward to live the life we want.

Being human equals making a mistake or two (or a hundred) along the way. So we all must find a way to move forward and learn from our mistakes so that we don’t continue to repeat the past. This may take some work, some patience, some help from a therapist or friend, and yes, some forgiveness. But it is possible. And soon, perhaps it won’t hurt as much as it once did.

— Writer Krista Kline is a Certified Wellness Coach and Advanced Integrative Therapist. Her mission and passion is to assist individuals in realizing their goals and dreams by clearing away the obstacles that are keeping them stuck. Her unique combination of wellness coaching and AIT helps her clients increase self-esteem, improve relationships, reduce anxiety and fear, transform self-sabotaging beliefs and attain balance and peace. Call (530) 400-6670 now for a free consultation. Visit her website here.

Follow Krista Kline on South Tahoe Now:

— April 27, 2012: Column: Every Day is a Winding Road

— March 22, 2012: Column: I’ve got a feeling, I’m not the only one

— March 5, 2012 Column: A Change Will Do You Good

— Feb. 21, 2012 Column: Getting Clear on The Life You Want

— Feb. 14, 2012 Column: Falling in Love All Over Again